Yes, I know I have a blog dedicated completely to books and my writing.  Yes, I know this isn’t it.  For amandaboyle.com though, it’s dedicated mainly to YA novel reviews and my book is well, also a YA novel.  Fifty Shades of Grey does NOT belong there.

It’s awful.  In so many ways. It is awful that people try for years to be published and works like this make boatloads of dough and press.  The same words are repeated over and over again.  I despise the word “sardonic” and “heady” now.  Big or fancy words do not make a book better.

But I was addicted to it.

Also, utterly embarrassed.  I’m sure at any given moment I’m fifty shades of red reading through it.  And the dom/sub thing just wigs me out.  I have a severe issue with being confined — not small spaces or whatever, but confined by a person.  I’m also really iffy about being touched.  People think I’m kidding until they try it and I give them a welt on their cheek and they call me a bitch. This has happened.  Tickle me and I will fall to the ground in the fetal position wherever I am and have a complete panic attack.  I also hate being yelled at and I honestly hate yelling AT people.  If I yell, I’m beyond-rational-pissed-off.

Oh, the issues I have.

Anyway, the dom/sub deal makes me nervous even reading about it.  Like palms sweaty nervous.  I skip over those parts.  And a lot of the sex scenes — and there are a freaking LOT of them.  I had no idea.  I’d skip over one scene and right into another one.  There is no way on the planet that this girl’s vagina wouldn’t have fallen off with the amount of sex they have.

The plot is ludicrous.  You can’t get farther from any semblance of a legit storyline. Wizards and warlocks make more sense than this: Christian Grey is only 28 and somehow is a multi-millionaire after dropping out of college at 20 because he is just amazeballs at everything.  Enter Ana Steele, college student, who think she is not pretty and spends countless pages mulling over why a rich, gorgeous guy wants her. Though he tries to make her his sub (because he is EXTREMELY screwed up) she won’t have any of it and he tries to change for her.  He’s also extremely overprotective to the point of stalker creepy. But even though he wants to whip her senseless and follows her everywhere she goes, she realizes she’s in love with him. P.S. This all takes place in like two weeks.

If these characters with their whiney, self-deprecating voices sound vaguely familiar from another not-so-well written book series, it’s because the original characters were actually the cast of Twilight.  Fanfiction. Serious X freaking rated fanfiction.

And here I have been ranting about this book and why it is an awful piece of literature but I went and finished it. AND got my hands on the second book.  I did.  And the plot only get more ridiculously horribly worse.  And sardonic and heady have already appeared.

I know Kurt Vonnegut is looking down on me from Heaven shaking his head. I’m going to have to go re-read every good book for the rest of the year to make up for this drivel I cannot put down.  It’s awful.  I’m awful.

And I’m going to go read Fifty Shades Darker.

#thatsallshewrote